i feel like a clown. Pathetic....
They drawn my smile, they grab my laugh, they knocked out my happiness, hurt me inside and out side. But its all not their fault.. its all because my dumbness. instead they feel happy to see my clumsiness.
now i know how's their feeling.. someone who apart so far away from the dignity, someone who has to cries out for their entity, now i know to be him...

counting down the days..

You were right
And I don't wanna be here
If your gonna be there
Was that supposed to happen

I'll hold tight
I'll remember to smile
Though it has been a while
And without you does it matter

There's no room
No place to start
When our souls are apart

I wanna travel through time
See your surprise
Hold you so tight
I'm counting down the days tonight
I just wanna be a million miles away from here
I'm counting down the days

How've you been
It's just the usual here
And days are feeling like years
And every day's without you

Now I cry
Just a little too much
When I think of your touch
And everything about you

I feel cold
I'm in the dark
When our souls are apart

I wanna travel through time
See your surprise
Hold you so tight
I'm counting down the days tonight
I just wanna be a million miles away from here

I wanna travel through time
See your surprise
Hold you so tight
I'm counting down the days tonight
I just wanna be a million miles away from here
I'm counting down the days

I'm counting down the days
I'm counting down the days

I'm gonna be your surprise
I'm gonna hold you so tight

Yeah

I wanna travel through time
See your surprise
I'd hold you so tight
I'm counting down the days tonight
I just wanna be a million miles away from here

I wanna travel through time
See your surprise
I'd hold you so tight
I'm counting down the days tonight
I just wanna be a million miles away from here
A million miles away from here

back to my old habbit. hurt from side to side. i care too much to people that in fact it could hurt me back. like a boomerang, i throw it away, than it comes back hit my nose until bleeding. what i want? what i need?
apa sih yang gw butuhkan? gw ingin bekerja yang menggunakan inisiatif diri sendiri, without command and directions, karena gw masih belum mampu pay attention into so many directions.. knapa ya?
kenapaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa??????????????????????????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dilorong ini aku mengukir resah sebelum memasuki ambang pintumu. amarah dan benci bertautan saling mengalahkan dengan rindu. tergambar dalam fragmen bayangan, peluh terjatuh sebelum aku duduk diranjangmu, milik engkau dan nya..
dalam langkah, aku seolah memasuki sebuah labirin yang penuh dengan rasa takut, dan berujung pada sebuah penekanan emosi. tapi disatu keadaan aku harus masuk kedalam ruangan mu itu.

aku tidak bisa menghindarimu.. akankah keacuhan mu mengalahkaan perasaan miliku?
aku membencimu, sekaligus takut kehilanganmu. kau adalah sebuah daratan, dimana dapat kusauhkan segala resah pencarian yang lelah mengarungi samudera pertanyaan. menepi, aku dapat menepi sejenak dalam pundakmu yang beraroma rempah. dan kuserahkan partikel atom dalam tubuhku pada semesta, biar ia bersama waktu mengatur sampai kapan aku bisa lelap dalam mata mengatup.

sunset walk away..

disini tidak ada apa-apa
warna-warni tersedot oleh langkah kakimu yang berayun dalam ringan melewati ambang cuaca.
tubuhmu dipangkas jarak, pandangku mengabur.. bulir hujan dan air mata meluruhi cahaya.
dan rinduku belum jua terkempiskan, maka semakin bengkak lah jantung hati ku kehilangan cinta.
hentakkan tali yang mengikat ini.. biarkan putus satu persatu.
ingin aku lepas, di setiap malam kusediakan kesepian untuk dipinang cintamu.

jangan berkata apa-apa. di halte ini pertama kita bertemu.
mataku tertunduk pada arus hujan yang menganak sungai.. dan seketika sebuah kelopak bunga lewat, lantas mengarus di telapak kakimu. aku ingin memungutnya, dan mempersembahkannya sebagai tanda cinta. namun apa daya, rasa malu membiarkanku kehilangan sebuah kesempatan mendapatkan aebuah cinta yang sejati.
ada rasa sesal tiba-tiba saja menyelinap dalam kalbu.. seiring halilintar yang tiba-tiba saja menyambar-nyambar di langit kelabu.

Perempuan dibawah Hujan.

Kemarin seolah bulat, sebuah harapan dan kebahagiaan, akan segera menjadi kenyataan. besok pasti hujan lagi.... ( sseorang menggumamkan hasrat itu dengan penuh harap )
hari ini sebuah tangan keriput mengepal payung dengan cengkraman yang begitu kuat. ditatapnya dengan lekat bola pijar keemasan yang menyeringai buas di pertiga sore jakarta yang penuh dengan debu dan asap knalpot. peluh yang sangat susah diproduksi oleh kelenjar keringatnya, mulai merembesi kulit keriputnya. Dalam hatinya ia memendam rasa sakit. hari ini anak-anaknya akan makan nasi basi lagi.. lauknya hanya kepala ikan asin.. minum nya air putih yang tidak dididihkan.. dan ia pun pulang dengan beban yang teramat berat. dalam tunduk kepalanya, ia berharap ada bis yang tiba-tiba menaiki trotoar dengan kecepatan tinggi...

( Leben ist ein Krieg )

i say, i will always love you. you said: its just about the time, when you see somebody else, you will fade away from me, and abandon ll the words and worship you addressed to me .
but how come? you are the first beautiful thing happened in my life, who bring the joy, and carry on the happiness..
you should know, in every afternoon, i go to the park. seeking for the rest of our memory left, who knows its still scattered on the ground with the greeny grass. but now is summer.. the greeny grass has already turned brown and dried. the leaves has fallen, and the trees is lost their shades. the park that has a part of our love story has tell the truth; love will never stick on you forever, unless honesty and faith walk down along your step. it is not love when a little lie has been made. because love is trust, and you never trust me..

i love you, with whole of my heart. come back to me. let's together mend our heart.

( its just like i breathe the air.. nothing special)

pingky dinky bleh bleh bleh..

Valentine's day is come. semua orang berbicara. buka mulut, menyanyikan lagu cinta, atau sekedar cibiran belaka. " Ngapain ngerayain Valentine, kan bukan budaya kita..." kasih sayang kan bisa dirayakan setiap hari..." " Ah, gag ngaruh buat gue, biasa aja tuh..." " huhu.. Valentine ga punya bokin.." and bla and bla and bla. Its just like everybody is right about their opinion,and yes i don't care, its their right to told something that right according to them self.
gw cuman merasa aneh ajah, knapa mesti dipermasalahkan yah? kalo dibilang berbagi kasih sayang itu bisa dilakukan kapan saja ga perlu ada hari Valentine, buktnya setiap tahun ada aja yang bener2 khusus ngerayain mulai dari preparation kecil kayak beli coklat berbentuk hati, sampai mempersiapkan tempat tidur berbau pingky dan merah membara yang bisa dibilang 'niat'banget buat ngerayain nya..
terus juga, kalo emang valentine tidak harus dirayakan karena bisa dirayakan tiap hari, yaudah honeymoon jugfa dong ga perlu dirayakan setiap ketemu pas hari dimana dilaksanakan tanggal untuk nikah.. kan 'oneymoon bisa dilakukan kapan dan dimana sajah =D
yah sekedar bubling my mind ajah.. senang ja sih ada hari valentine, setidaknya kita mempunyai sesuatu yang bisa dibanggakan dan bisa menjadi hal yang manis.. sebenarnya yang bersikap spesial thd valentine itu tergantung.. apakah dia mempunyai kehidupan cinta yang sempurna atau tidak? mempunyai someone s[ecial atau tidak?
well.. let see, deep inside their heart, gw yakin, tidak semua yang dibicarakan mengenai valentine itu benar adanya datang dari lubuk hati yang paling dalem.

yuk ,,,

i miss my Mom..

yes, indeed. miss her so much..

something in my way..
so shiny and mesmerizing.
i know that somehow i can reach it.
i red the story of jack and the Bean.. this fairytale somehow like hypnotize me to dare to believe with something that unreachable mind.
once upon a time, every when i went to bed, my mom used to told me a story. She has so many story to tell, and its all beautiful. but there s one story that always made me has a second thought deep inside my mind, about how if the story is real? and how if its happen to me in a real life?
i used to be scared to listened that story, but somehow i always wondered, what is something happen in the next chapter?
like a real drama happening in my mind, all the words that came out from her lips. i listened the sound of the word resonance very carefully. i don't want to miss even just a thing.

War Inside Me.

I've tired for being imbasil. but somehow i wont let my self unsecured with the things that i cant through with it. i kept searching what is the source of happiness. wondering where is that actually? where can i get that? could it be a girl so i can call it her? or could it be a boy so i can playing around? and how much is the price as if i could buy it?
questions by questions came down from sky and poured like the rain cover my body.
understand...?
i don't understand..
.............. understand..........?
........ I don't understand.....

new question comes when I've understand the previous one, and i have to understand again through find out the answers...

negative against positive. good ones opposite the bad ones. wanna be right or wanna be wrong, the war keep alive in my mind. i want to release my self, but there's an invisible rope tied me up and keep me away from the limit of the boundaries of goodness close to the badness

i wanna be a naughty boy, but somehow there is a light come out from my heart and told me 'no'. Just like an angel, keep an eye on me, in order to keep me away from sins. but me -in a confidence way - did the sin by my own way..

argh..

kau curi diriku dari perdaban.

dalam emas nya diam ku, kau curi diriku dari peradaban.
Dari balik bahu perempuan tua yang menggendongku, aku berjengit penuh kengerian, dan ingin meneriakan nya selantang mungkin
' aku tidak mau ikut bersama mu! '

kembalikan aku pada batu yang bahagia dengan kehitamannya,
pada air yang damai di keganasan gelombangnya,
pada api yang redup dalam menyalanya.

best things in my life and as priority:
- family
- friendship.

as we knows, human being is always need communities for growing up and accelerating their sense in learning life lessons, and also their desire to fulfill life destinations along the age of life. through the relationship between other creatures -because relationship is not in between of human beings, but also animals and other things-
human can increase their sensibility, passions, humanity, loves, affections, endorsements, and so on.
what it would be if we have nothing to compare our self? and we don't have any boundaries how far we can go and how long we can stay?
since life is a journey, we should know that many roads are grumbling, bushy, yet full of thorn.
we should be able to choose which one is the best for us, and we are in a right directions. but give me the answer of my questions.. where is our destiny actually?

The wet beggining of february.

i look out side of the metromini's window, through the rain to the flooded street. the cars are stuck. and the peoples are murmuring, worrying, wondering and so on. gosh.. what a romantic momment for me.
I wondering thou, why did i love the rainy day so much? is it just because the breezy weather? or because i can rememorizes my childhood.. my lovely moment to be a lovely child once again? i guest so.
February is always identical with strawberry. dunno.. is it because the sweetness, blossoms and pinky atmospheres are air middled the whole 28 days this month ?
let see.. many 'birds' celebrating their happy relationship. couples with brightly hearts celleberating this happy moments.

continue dagh..