?

Question mark. Spinning around entire the air that I breathe now. Gue kerap kali bertanya pada diri sendiri, kenapa akhir-akhir ini begitu kesulitan dalam menjabarkan risalah hati? Gue merasakan sebuah kesedihan, tapi nggak tau gimana cara menuangkannya dalam kata-kata. Setiap kalimat yang aku ketik selalu aja terasa nggak tepat. Aneh.

Apa karena rindu rumah? Atau sedih karena kemungkinan besar tidak bisa menghadiri pernikahan sahabat gue?

dua-duanya.

Hidup selalu berisi dilema. Di saat kita bebas, tidak ada satupun hal yang menuntut kita untuk konsentrasi dengan keras dalam pembagian waktu. Tapi ketika kita berada dalam sebuah kesibukan, sesuatu yang penting selalu hadir dalam berbagai macam bentuk kepentingan dan beberapa pilihan.

Sial. Kadang hidup itu menjadi rumit memang karena adanya pilihan. Nggak pernah gue dibingungkan oleh hal itu hingga seperti sekarang ini. Biasanya aku selalu berhasil lepas dari keribetan dalam memilih opsi. Aku selalu tau mana yang aku perlukan mana yang aku inginkan dan mana yang aku butuhkan.
Tapi tidak untuk sekarang, semuanya sangat penting.

damn.

Sahabat yang sangat aku sayangi akan menikah, dan itu adalah momen paling penting bagi kami. Dan aku kemungkinan besar tidak bisa menghadiri pernikahannya.

Rasanya aku pengen nangis aja... Tapi tetep aja nggak tau gimana caranya? Hanya hati aja yang pedih dan geram oleh kegemasan atas keadaan ini.

Damn again.

K(a)L(b)(U)

Waktu terasa sangat berharga ketika kita dilimpahi terlalu banyak spasi dari orang yang sangat kita sayangi. Usia seolah kelelahan mengejar detik yang meski bergerak dengan statis dalam ritme yang pasti. namun aku seperti kewalahan, takut kehabisan waktu... Dan kehilangan momentum gemilang bersama mereka yang aku cintai.

ARGH. Inilah yang aku paling benci. Kebebasanku direnggut oleh durasi kerja yang angkuh dan tidak mengenal kompromi. Dia tidak membunuh, namun cukup mujarab menggaris rasa pedih; Sebuah perasaan menyiksa ketika disadarkan bahwa untuk sekarang aku adalah budak uang. Dia memegang kendali segala kehendak dan kebebasan jiwaku. Tidak peduli pada pagi hari yang kesat oleh rasa kantuk yang masih kuat menggerogoti kejernihan hati dan pikiran, sisa dari insomnia yang menyerang hampir setiap hari. Seems he officially occupied my sleeping control.

Terimakasih pada nasib yang masih berbaik hati, setidaknya aku bergulat dengan semua itu demi sesuatu yang aku sukai. Hasilnya sepadan dalam meneduhkan gerah hati. Membuat kue menenangkan gelisah jiwaku. (kenapa sih gelisah mulu? Cheer up a little bit! Hidup itu indah, dear!)
I know, and I believe that... :)

Silikon Di Dadaku.

Lambang negara tercinta kita di dada tidak sepenuhnya menimbulkan sebuah kebanggaan. Bagi seorang perempuan dengan anak satu yang tengah berusaha memperjuangkan mimpi anaknya untuk bisa mengenyam pendidikan yang lebih pantas, silikon terasa lebih memberikan harapan untuk bisa mengecap hidup lebih baik,terutama untuk anaknya. Dia yakin ketika silikon itu sudah menyatu dengan dua gumpal daging lepet di dadanya, jawaban atas segala permasalahan hidupnya akan secepatnya teratasi, tanpa harus menunggu mereka yang selalu mendengungkan orasi untuk selalu bangga dalam menyematkan garuda di dada anak bangsa, dan janji-janji atas hidup yang lebih baik yang selalu mereka obral.

Another Journey of My Life.

23rd Feb 2011.

Dear Bloggie, my whole foots are hurt. Four kilometers walking back and forth from my modest-yet-unpaid boarding room to the working place in the beginning and the end of my days probably during the rest of this working month until the payday is  come, is actually quite exhausting.

I don’t mean to whining about this all, thou. Just want to share something funny about my recent life, running fatigue-ly –mentally and physically- through tearful-depressing- resentment-and-broken-yet- effort-fully optimistic- soundtrack of my life . Do I regret about all of this? Wait, let me configure it out...

 No. At all.

Even though now I feel like I’m at the edge of my mental endurance, but I still have hope and aiming high. I still can see that light, somewhere in the end of this slimy-dark-bumpy road. Please, if you think that this obstacles can ruin my dreams, then that would be you –who-the-fuck-ever-you-r epic failure.

Sekarang gue bisa lebih tenang menjalani hari-hari tanpa harus terlalu khawatir dengan kondisi nyokap dan adek gue. Setelah kegelisahan dan kekhawatiran yang panjang terhadap keadaan kesehatan mereka, akhirnya gue sadar bahwa, Tuhan pasti memberikan mereka sejengkal dari atap perlindunganNya, karena Tuhan tau mereka adalah orang baik. Jadi gue berpikir, apapun yang akan terjadi nanti, itu pasti adalah bagian dari jalan hidup mereka dan juga gue yang udah Dia gariskan.

For some people mungkin gue seolah hanya talking the talk without walking the walk. Well, you have seen the the tinniest surface of my skin deep, and that far you only can go. Shallow. Well, who am i to judge? That’s your right to think anything without being bothered to knowing the truth.

Anyway,

I really hate everybody now, Bloggie. Well, not hating actually, just feel sick about. How can they be so disgusting?  I mean, I don’t know. I have no words to describing it. But one thing for sure, for now, I'm sick and tired with this kind of people that i already met: The fake-plastic people, the ass-licker, the opportunist, the skeptical, the judgmental, the prejudice, the pretender, the-my-life-is-happy-but-actually-deep-inside-I’m-mentally-miserable, the cheater, the swing-voter, the I’m-oh-so-sophisticated, miss and mister bossy pants, the snob one, the backstabber, the liar, the self-centered, the hypocrite, mr. Big-ego, the-I’m-smarter-than-you, the-I-know-everything-about-you-from-the-way-you-talk, the shrink-wannabe, the greedy one, the misfit Diva with slutty attitude and ect, including some parts of my self (I solemnly admit that I’ve once or more, had became few things that i mentioned before. So yes, I disgusted my self back when I realized that i done that things such as: big-ego, I’m smarter than you, the shrink wannabe, my life is happy but actually miserable inside, prejudice and also SOMETIMES judgmental. ) For being so weak, and easily freaked out by the things that have not been happening yet (well, some parts are already happening actually, so how couldn’t I be worried?). For I have been degraded my self by asking a favor to some –I-don’t-give-a-damn-about-your-problem- people to temporarily lend some air so I can breath for a while, even though it’s my concern about the life of the people i care about.

But thank God some people who actually really care about me are keep supporting me morally. Even though they only give me a pep talk and ensure me that everything will be alright, that’s just means a lot to me. They are the person that I would never forget until someday I die. They are here with me, the guidance at this ‘lost’ moment of my life.

And things are slowly getting better now. I enjoying my job so much. At least I earn money from the things that i love the most. Cooking. It is therapeutic and also soothing my weary soul. And I think I was wrong about the biggest passion in my life. At the first time I though it was writing. Well, writing it is. I still have big passion in writing for sure, that wouldn’t be a mistake, but... Somehow, cooking makes me feel like, liberating you know? It feels like heaven when I can make people smile when they enjoying the dishes I’ve made. There’s no pressure at all. I just doing it, creating something new without being afraid to be rejected. But when I’m writing, there are some times when I have to think very hard, and sometimes get stuck. But not when I’m cooking. Everything flows just like a river. A joyful moment, feels like I’m going back to my childhood memory. A very enjoyable activity without afraid in being dirty. So maybe that’s the tiny difference of two things that I passionate so much. To me, cooking is some kind of an edible arts. We create it with love, passions, creativity, sense of beauty, and the sensitivity of tastes and flavors. We can create something new and delicious from any ingredients, depends on how we mix and matching the taste and also the characters of seasonings and goods. There is no limitation in cooking. It’s all about instinct and the precise measurement of feelings.

Well, until here for now. Gotta clean up my sweaty shirts pants and face. Then going to sleep. I just lost hope with my ability to sleep earlier. It doesn't come no matter how hard I try to get sleepy. Bollocks.

See you later, Bloggie. Nice to know that you still want to hear the story of my life. You should come and see my messy room now... I mean, literally. Dirty clothes are heaped at the corner , magazines are scattered under the table. This is not me. (Yeah I know! I’m the sloppiest one among people when it came to sharing the room. Well, the problem is, sometimes people tends to deny that they are also messy. Bitch.) I mean, when I’m living alone, I always like to keep my room clean an neat. I’m not lying, it’s clinically proven, :P  I just haven’t had my day-off. And I’m too tired to wash it right now, and also don’t have money to buy the detergent. :D

One question, bloggie, do you think I ever been dishonest about my self? If I do, then I suppose to hate my self up-most. Because I do hate so much about dishonest and unreal person. Is ‘trying-to-filter-my-words-so-nobody-get-hurts’ can be categorized as dishonesty?

But then again, I ain’t angel. Unconscious mistakes are human’s best friends. But those who-do-the-things-that-to-me-are-disgusting-topmost-that-i-already-mentioned-above consciously, surely ain’t my best friends. I’d  better be alone. A rare friend. That’s so far he/she can go.

Turning Point.

Hey Bloggie, apa kabar?

Kerjaan udah hampir selesai dan cafe masih sepi pengunjung, jadi... Gue curi2 kesempatan untuk sedikit curhat dan cerita tentang beberapa hal.

Many thing happened to me in past few weeks bloggie. And it has opened my eyes about many things. Friendship, friends, money, betrayal, hardwork, devotion, kasih sayang, dan profesionalisme.

Untuk bertahan hidup di Jakarta, gue sekarang untuk sementara kerja di sebuah Cafe yang cozy, named Bookshelf Indonesia. Gue incharge sebagai pastry staff, tugasnya dalah baking and making all the things related to the foods yang dijual di sini such as Choco puff, cheese puff, apple pie, almond turnover and others.

Lumayan lah, dapet makan siang sama makan malem... Jadi gue nggak perlu minta makan sama mbok Yah.
Oh, Mbok Yah. She is a very kind hearted lady. Dia baekkk banget.. Dan baek nya tuh bukan di awal2 gue tinggal di kostan as the other land lady used to be ya. Mereka kan biasanya manis di awal karena mereka pengen dapet subletter kan.. Nah dia nggak. Gue udah dari awal bilang sama sekali nggak punya uang, dan butuh banget tempat tinggal, gue cuma bisa bayar sekian persen uang sewa, dan sisanya nyusul tiga minggu lagi. Dengan sangat baik dia mempersilahkan gue untuk tinggal. Dan bahkan makan pun, gue dipersilahkan untuk makan sekenyang perut gue bisa nampung makanan, dan bayarnya cuman goceng, itu pun bayarnya boleh kapan2. God... Masih ada di Jakarta orang sebaik mereka ya. Gue amazed. Dan yang paling menyentuh hati banget adalah, cara mbok Yah manggil  gue. "Ya, nak?" "Ya, Sayang?" Dan kata panggil lainnya yang pake bahasa Jawa tapi terdengar sangat tulus dan penuh kasih sayang murni. Usianya 66 Tahun, dan jalannya udah sedikit bungkuk, tapi masih gesit dan bisa naik turun tangga. She is such an amazing women indeed.

Dan, untuk pelajaran mengenai true friendship, ternyata ada beberapa hal yang bisa menyadarkan bahwa orang yang sudah kita anggap teman baik, belum tentu menganggap diri kita sebaliknya bila berkaitan dengan uang. Ada beberapa teman yang gue sms/mintai bantuan untuk meminjam sejumlah uang untuk keperluan cek up Nyokap dan juga biaya tambahan kuliah adek gue,dan sama sekali nggak ngebales sms atau juga ngasih respon lanjutan. They just ended the comunication right away. That's quite breaking my heart, to know that someone yang aku anggap sebagai peduli terhadap gue, sebagai teman baik, ternyata tidak begitu memperdulikan. Dan yang lebih menyakitkan adalah, my mother's life ternyata tidak sebegitu berharganya di mata dia. Well, life's a bitch indeed. But I wont change my self in to a worst form than now I am already have been. Gue akan berubah, tentunya ke arah yang lebih baik. Gue nggak akan melawan api dengan api, dan menjadi seorang haters karena dunia memperlakukan gue dengan ketidak adilan. Karena gue percaya inilah yang harus gue hadapi untuk menemukan hakikat hidup yang sejati.
Terimakasih udah diperlihatkan sebuah kenyataan, yang meskipun pahit tapi sangat berguna buat gue untuk mengetahui arti hidup yang sesungguhnya.

And Mom, lil sis, please hold on for another moment... I hope it will not too long.. I'm working on it, for us. For our happiness. Whatever is that would be, but i will keep it up for you.

Gramedia rejected my novel. Long story short, editornya sentimen oleh satu hal yang bahkan dia sendiri nggak ngerti duduk permasalahannya. Dan rencana gue untuk nerbitin novel dan ngejual sendiri mengalami sedikit penundaan. Gue sekarang harus bertahan dan ngumpulin uang dulu untuk hal yang lebih penting. Gue ngikutin aja ke mana arah hidup gue mengalir, dan kalau ada celah untuk menuju laut yang lebih pendek, gue akan belok dan mengikuti arus baru itu. keep moving, keep writing.

Collecting the dusts and ashes of my life, raise and reborn stronger than before.

14th February 2011.

Dear Bloggie, here we are again, at the bottom of my life, starting it all over again. No money at all, but i finally made it. I got my own place to stay. It’s not really good, below my average kind of room, but i kinda like it. Jelek-jelek tempat sendiri lah. Lagian ini nggak jelek kok. It looks vintage in some way. The materials are quite old, and the colors are gloomy. But its not a big deal. I love to stay here... I feel like i’m pulling my life back together again. The room rent costs me Idr 350.000. And i havent paid it off yet. I told the land lady that i dont have money at all, but I’ll pay it after two or three weeks.

This past two weeks i had a very stressing days. Leaving my home town, my home, my mom.... my sister, it’s kinda make me feel sad. I leave them in a very not good conditions. And about the novel, my first one, they rejected it. Yeah... not them, but one person who had some kind self-sefishness toward me. The point is, she felt that i’m not desserve to get my novel published because she didn’t like when I’m asking for some royalty payment. Long story short, I will let her know that her prejudice lead her to some biggest dissapointment to losing me. They will chasing me after I got published my novels.

I will not give up on my dream, bloggie. Eventhough there are people standing in front of me trying to cut it down, i wont back my step off. And i hope my mom and my sister can hold on for any longer, i hope it’s not too long until i got the solution of their problems.

God, I love them, and I’m sure You do too. They are very good moslems. And they desserve some happiness.

Train on my Head.

Jan 4th 2011.

Dear bloggie.

I dont know where to start. There’s like a shinkansen Express rushing on my head. This very beginning of 2011 is going not really good in a few things. Well, some things are good, like i’ve finally finished my “The Unspoken Goodbye” second projects. But, there are things bothered me the most. I still haven’t heard anything from Gramedia about my first “Pre Wedding” Novel. It’s almost eight months already, and I think It is, took too long to get some news about the decission wether they are going to publish it or not.

I know I shouldn’t whining about this. I’m doing very well handling my self in facing these obstacles... But I have to think some other things too. Like my sister and my mother. They had enough in facing some kind of obstacles and hard days in their life. I know I’m gonna be just fine, even excellent. I will be something what i wanna be: a great writer. But my mom and my sister are desperately need something to cover up the situations and fix the messy things very soon.

Wait a sec. I’m gon make a confession first.  I was lied to you. I actually haven’t really finished my second project. It’s just about one damn chapter left. And I’ve been strugling all week long to create something memmorable and touchy... I don’t wanna end up my precious one with just a tacky and rushy closing chapter... So not worth it after all I’ve devoted everything to make this project so damn good.

I just watched the final episode of Ugly Betty’s last seasons, like, for hundred times. It’s only four seasons, but took about three years, more or less, to finally through with a very sweet ending. Anyway, I shed tears every time I watched it.. It’s so damn touchy. It is so simple, but yet essential and really got in to me. And that’s I really wanna make it to be. It has to be... A joyful, romantic, touchy yet memorable closing chapter... Because that’s the bar I’ve already set in every project i make. It has to be good from the beggining until the ending.

 Well, anyway.

Back to my mom and my sister. Due to my jobless condition, now my life temporarily is a total dependence to my mom. I even have to ask her to pay my snacking time. It’s deeply excruciating me. God... I am supposed to be the one who taking care of her... I mean, in the age of hers like now, she’s suppose to be sits peacefully, watching her grandchildrens playing arround the house... Enjoying her resting life. But she’s still doing the daily things. Now she is worrying about her health, but I cannot take her to see the Doctors... I really can’t afford it for now. And she refuses to see the doctor because she is thinking about my sister. She needs tuition for her college.

I gotta do something immediately. I have to make some income as soon as possible. My plans is, I’m going to make script for FTV’s that ussualy broadcasted at SCTV. I hope i can make it happen as soon as possible. I don’t wanna wait until everything is late. My mom is the most important thing in this world to me. I don’t want she gets sick at the time she supposed to enjoy the wonderful momments as i reached my success. She has to be healthy so she can really cellebrate the good life that I’ve been struggling her for.

And another plan is, Im gon to publish and promote my second project by my self. I’m gonna do the marketing by my self through the leaflets and internet. I’m going to spread the leaflets to people on the streets, traffic lights, apartments, offices, radio stations, campuss, and many more. Im gon working hard on it. I aready have the name for it: BYMYSELF Publication. I’m doing it, I’m doing it my way. If gramedia reject me, so be it. Nothing can stop me from reaching my goal. This is so damn good. My “The Unspoken Goodbye” is so damn good. I bet people would love to read it. And now everything depends on my strategy on how I do the marketing. Well, I don’t have a clue yet, but one thing for sure, I am going to do this. I’ll work so hard to promote it. I hope my friends are support me and kindly do the favor to spread the news through any kind of media they have. I really need some supports. Break a leg, Alei. Hope everything runs well as we expected. Amin...